Fun With Mirrors
by Chris Stork
Summary: Humor shorts. They're supposed to be funny.
1. Chapter 1

Hellsing and all other associated copyrights owned by Kouta Hirano and others. Should any one of these parties wish it, I will remove this story at once.

* * *

"Your way doesn't work."

"And yours leaves them terrified."

"It won't work."

Back and fourth Integra and Seras went, slowly walking to the orientation room. Each arguing that her method was superior. The 'method' in question, was how to best introduce the rookies with the true reality. The argument was still unresolved when they reached their destination.

"We will use my way" Integra finished.

She opened the door and assembled before her were the twenty new recruits. They were all standing and facing forward, a long wall mirror to their left.

"Good evening gentlemen. You have been brought here because of your exemplary service. But you have not been told our mission yet." Integra paused momentarily, considering her next words.

"Our sole mission is to exterminate unholy vermin from these shores. Vampires, ghouls whatever they are we will destroy them" she finished.

The silence held for a moment and then.

"aHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"You're kidding right? Hahaha"

"Ha ha an- and would you like us to fight the boogeyman too?"

"Hey can we use magic while were at it?"

On and on they went with Integra unable to convince them.

It always like this, Seras thought. My turn.

She stepped forward and pointed to the mirror.

"See that?"

The laughter lulled for a moment to see what she was pointing to and then died altogether. In the mirror there were reflections of each of the soldiers and Integra, but not Seras.

"Now."

The soldiers slowly craned their heads back to Seras. Her pupils had turned to slits and she was smiling broadly, revealing her fangs.

"What was that you were saying again?"

At that point every soldier made the same decision: Get the hell out, NOW.

They ran for the windows jumping out when they wouldn't open fast enough. Other found the weakest spots in the walls and attempted to batter through them. The rest just passed out.

Seras turned to Integra and said, "See, my way works better."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Hellsing and all other associated copyrights owned by Kouta Hirano, Young King Ours and Genon. Should any one of these parties wish it, I will remove this story at once.

* * *

Last night's operation was a disaster. They had needed to move quickly and were caught completely off-guard and out-numbered. Integra hadn't gotten the report yet, but she knew the causalities were bad and had to know from Commander Irons how combat ready the army was.

She dialed down to the hospital and waited for the pickup.

"Hello? This Private Smith."

Probably his aide de camp Integra thought.

"I want to speak with Commander Montgomery"

"He's dead, sir."

Integral paused. She hadn't thought it was _that_ bad.

"Lieutenant Johnson?"

"Thrown through an ice cream truck, died instantly."

"Sergeant Jackson?"

"Sergeant Victoria lost it, and he got to close."

Must have been the sandwich bag they buried.

"Sergeant Williams?" Integra asked hopefully.

"Gone and his whole squad. Said something like 'What could possibly go wrong' before he died."

"Are there any sergeants still alive?"

"Well no, except for Sergeant Victoria. Or is she alive? I don't know with her."

Integra made a mental note to give Seras her own category in the causality list.

"Any corporals?"

"No"

"So your only one alive?"

"Actually no, Priv-", he was cut off by a long monotone bleep, "Err, never mind I am the last one, so what did you need sir?"

"Nothing, I was just checking something", and hung up.

I hate causalities.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Hellsing and all other associated copyrights owned by Kouta Hirano, Genon, et al. Should any one of these parties wish it, I will remove this story at once.

* * *

Damn budget cuts Integral thought.

Hellsing had been under siege for some time. Not form the undead, but something worse: Bureaucrats.

"Economy's in a downturn...Pie factories need the money...budget cuts."

So here she was along with Alucard and Seras, listening to people and their plans for how they bring in money. Today it was Mr. Clayton Schiel from some toy company Integral had never bothered to learn the name of, pitching _dolls_ of all things.

"Hello, I am Clayton Schiel from Regal toys", he started.

"I know who you are, the point, please."

Uncertain how to handle that, he moved on.

"We've made a line of action figures"

"Dolls", Integral interrupted.

Choosing to ignore it and get on with the presentation, he quickly put out three dolls from his box on the table: Seras, Alucard, and Walter. The Seras doll immediately pitched forward. Seras folded her arms over her chest.

"I am not that big" she said blushing.

"Uhh... we have also put in voice technology in some of the dolls."

Desperate to move past the faux-pas, he tapped the Walter doll on the back. It instantly snapped its arm up and said.

"Would you like some tea, bitch?"

Integral glared at the doll.

"Ahh... I'm not sure how that made it by QA." Bastards, he thought, _thats_ what they were laughing about!

Completely panicked, he jabbed the Alucard one, hoping for a miracle.

"I am _not_ compensating!"

Alucard snarled at the offending doll. Integral smirked.

"Amusing", she said.

Clayton let out the breath he wasn't aware he was holding. Glad for any good sign, he reached for the box, tipping it over in haste. The rest of the dolls tumbled out and before he could gather them back up, Integral snatched one.

"_What_ is _this_?" she demanded, furious.

It was an Integral doll in an open-chested dominatrix outfit, complete with a whip.

"I like _that_ one" Alucard stated, unheard by everyone.

"Ahh... uhh... oh crap... uhh... should I be running now?"

"Yes" Integral snapped, reaching for her gun.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Hellsing and all other associated copyrights owned by Kouta Hirano, Genon, et al. Should any one of these parties wish it, I will remove this story at once.

* * *

Too many new recruits these days, Walter thought. Forty gone last month, thirty this month and five to lemon-creme pies this week. How _that_ happened still mystified him.

Too many to properly orientate, so he needed to write up a list of all the dumb things the rookies did, but shouldn't do.

Attention New Recruits!

Please Follow These Few Rules While

You Adapt to Your New Job

There, that's a good start, now lets see, what else do the rookies keep doing? Oh, yes...

Do not attempt to impress Sergent Victoria with how much you know about vampires, she knows more than you ever will

Amazing that they kept doing that, weren't the red eyes enough of a warning? Which reminds me...

Challenging Sgt. Victoria to a fight _will_ send you to the infirmary

She _tried_ not to break them into fifty pieces, but it still happened. That should be enough for Seras, Alucard's next.

Do not talk to the man in red about 'old loves'.

That's a good start.

Do not talk to the man in red about 'girl problems' either.

Delete, delete, umm... there must be a way phrasing this better.

Do not talk to the man in red about women.

There, that's better!

Do not talk to the man in red about the past.

Do not talk to the man in red about losing.

Walter paused, thinking, then he simply deleted all the Alucard entries.

Do not talk to the man in red _at all_.

That's perfect!

Do not pet any large dogs on the Manor

No need to tell them _exactly_ what they are.

Do not feed them either.

And no need to tell them they would eaten for it. Now what were some other things that... oh yes...

Despite the title, Sir Hellsing is a woman.

And one last item for Integra...

Sir Hellsing's personal habits are not your concern.

For she has good hearing and an even better gun. One last point.

Always have your Last Will and Testament updated.

That should do!


	5. Chapter 5

Hellsing and all other associated copyrights owned by Kouta Hirano and others. Should any one of these parties wish it, I will remove this story at once.

* * *

Jan had lost. His army in ruins and his enemies arrayed against him; but still, he had an 'exit'.

"... and they've been listening all this time" , Jan said. He forced his battered body up against the wall. "Do you think they let me live?", his hand shot out, middle finger extended, and laughed manically. A moment passed, and another, and another, and another.

"The roof is shielded", Integra said at last.

* * *

Jan was chained up on the dungeon wall, snarling and glaring at everything and anything. Alucard paid him no attenetion, focusing on sharpening wicked blades and heating blunt instruments of torture. The door opened and Integra walked though. Jan immediately let loose with a violent torrent of profanities and obscenities that Alucard and Integra completely ignored.

"What shall I do to him, Master? Beatings? The Rack? Hot Pokers?", Alucard paused a moment, lost in the memory, "I haven't impaled someone in _years_."

Jan went silent and paled. Nonplussed, Integra took out a cigar and lit it.

"Go to my office, in the left third drawer in the desk there is a black box, bring it here", she stated.

With a smile he vanished, and returned a few seconds later. He opened it and a puzzled look overcame his face. He took out a portable CD-player and looked for anything more. When he found it, his face went white and his eyes widened with perfect horror. He turned to Integra and tried to speak, but nothing came out.

"Put the CD in and press 'play'", Integra said, nonchalantly.

Fumbling with the case, he gingerly opened it. With shaking hands he carefully pulled it out and put it in the CD-player. After a few spastic jabs he struck the play button and ran out shrieking.

By the first song Jan was sweating heavily, by the second his breathing was labored and his eyes crazed. The third song broke him utterly, mewling and pleading for it to stop. Smiling, Integra switched the player off, took out the CD and put it back into the case marked, "Celine Dion's Greatest Hits".


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Hellsing and all other associated copyrights owned by Kouta Hirano, Genon, et al. Should any one of these parties wish it, I will remove this story at once.

* * *

Annotation: Both of these came from the 'Long Road to Romance' story. The first as a sarcastic comment on trying to write that sequence in the second chapter. The second was intended to be in the last chapter. It was removed for thematic reasons.

* * *

Maybe I should get her talking, it might help. "Seras, why did you decide to be a cop?"

She paused for several moments before she answered.

"When I was little, my parents were murdered. I wanted to find who did it", she said stiffly.

"Uh... How about when you were growing up?"

"I was picked on until I beat someone with a rock."

"Eh... First day on the job?"

"I was killed and turned into a monster."

"Uh... What do you do in your spare time?"

"I mediate on the agonizing hell that is my life."

* * *

The damn vampires were down the corridor. Pip couldn't risk a glance, or be cut down.

A few yelled orders, hold out and wait.

Elle _viendra._

A voice. Millennium taunting.

He fired blind and low, hoping to shut them up. The screams were most satisfying.

"Meine Kugeln! Er schoss weg meine kugeln!

* * *

Authors notes:

The German should hopefully be: My Balls! He shot off my balls!


End file.
